Expectations

I’ve been hemming and hawing at a post for the end of 2009/beginning of 2010 since, well…the last week of 2009. 2009 sucked balls. 2008 sucked balls and if I have to totally honest with myself, the entire decade of aughts sucked balls. But, who wants to read a post about sucking balls? Or…well…this is just not that sort of blog.

Also, I’m not a resolution maker. Because, like most, I’m a better resolution breaker and that gets sort of depressing after awhile. I don’t get into dreamy positive antidotes or psycho-babble mumbo-jumbo, so that option is out. What I am good at, however, is making my feelings known, being direct, forthright and to-the-point. So, I’m going to approach 2010, still in its infancy, as I did my own children when they were much younger. You know those days you have to run into the grocery for 5 small items? You want to run in, run out, fly home, slam the kid in for a nap and nibble on bonbons the rest of the day. So, to save yourself time, you give the wee ones a list of expectations.

I expect you to use your inside voice. We are going to walk, not run. You’re going to keep your hands to yourself and you are not going to ask for one thing that is not on my list. Do you understand?

And because my children are perfect, like I’m sure most of yours are, they followed through with every expectation, never wavering, always obedient and well-behaved. At least, that’s how I’m choosing to remember it all. If I don’t, I might worry that my son’s penchant for death metal and long hair are really responses to that time I yanked a Hot Wheel out of his hands in the middle of Target because I was tired of him grabbing at every small item within his reach. Seriously, you’d have thought I lit a roman candle on his ass.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Expectations for 2010. And while we’re here, is this year making any one else mildly dyslexic? I have typed it 1020, 21020 (I kid you not), 2001 – a year I definitely do not want to relive; my finances couldn’t take it – and well, yes. 2010. There, I did it without fail. Now, dear year, don’t fail me either.

In 2010, my dearest 2010, I expect:

1. A moratorium on deaths of loved ones. We’ve had them annually since 2006 and I, for one, have had it. These last two have been horrendous and really, we’re just done for awhile.
2. A clear, perfectly outlined road to a job, career, or any decent money-making opportunity. Career would be best, but really? Mama just need to start doing more than cooking the bacon. Mama needs to start bringing some home, too.
3. If #2 can’t be worked out, a miraculous windfall would be nice. We know we have a rich relative or two. Sharing is caring, not socialism.
4. Yes, I even expect cliche things – good health for my family.
5. People to learn the proper use of the word “vagina”. Vagina is internal genitalia, folks. That stuff visible from the outside? It has other names. When I read something about, “…shaving my vagina,” I knew that had to be a priority for 2010. Seriously. Sharp razors and vaginas don’t mix. And? Why are we publicly discussing genital grooming habits? I don’t need to know this information about you, your bestie, or anyone else.
6. Forward progression for the LGBT Community and those who love them. Really. It’s 2010. Marriage and its stability should never be dependent upon the rights of another human being. Let’s step it up.
7. A nice vacation. Not only a nice vacation, but a nice vacation without something somehow screwing it right the hell up.
8. No more phone calls that start with, “Everyone’s okay, but…” or “She’s gone,” or “Well….[insert name here] was robbed,” or “There’s been an accident,” or anything of the sort.
9. Continued and deeper bonding with the relationships that have reignited in 2009. It’s one of the few things to be grateful for from that gawd-awful year and I expect that goodness to only improve. You can do it.
10. My dog, Chef, to find a brain somewhere, install it, hot wire it and actually…use it. The first goal? Weight loss. The second? Common freaking dog sense.
11. Chocolate, ice cream and mac & cheese to become foods that are not only acceptable to a weight loss plan, but also encouraged.
12. Simply put, peace & love for my kids.
13. Motivation to find its way here…right here. *points* Under my ass so I can get up, move, exercise, become a normal functioning human being again. Like I was in the 1990′s. Remember those days? Yeah, me too.
14. The religious and political right (so often the same group, isn’t it?) to buy a clue about tolerance, fairness, social justice and common fucking sense.
15. My son to remember that he has a really highly functioning brain and to use it to its fullest potential at school. Or, hell…I’ll even take it if he puts half the effort into school as he does music, gaming and uh…gaming.
16. My daughter’s roommate situation to improve. Massively improve.
17. For Glee, Chuck, and Friday Night Lights to take over the television world and destroy lame reality shows. This is good TV, 2010…let’s see if we can’t at least use them as a model.
18. For these words and phrases to take a flying leap and please, oh pretty please, leave our lexicon.
    • Take it to a whole new level – or worse? A whole ‘nuther level.
    • Know what I mean, particularly when said at the end of every sentence uttered.
    • Shawty
    • Surreal
    • Off the chain, hook, doorknob…
    • That’s gay
    • Baby daddy
    • Random, for example, “That’s so random!” or “I’m so random!”
    • Closure – there is no such thing when grieving – so stop it. Put closure to the use of that word or expectation.
    • That’s what she said
    • Your mom
    • Anything Rachel Ray or Guy Fieri utters on a constant basis – sammies, yum-o, downtown, money, bad boy, stoup. In fact, let’s just make them mute in 2010, huh? That’d be splendid.
19. For my husband to accept his grief and then…in time, for the grayness of it to lift. I want my hubby back, even if it’s in increments, in 2010.
20. For the fools that got me through the first bit of the aughts with some fun, new friends and a lot of insanity, Backstreet, to either find their brains or their balls and decide – get the fuck out of music or learn how to A&R and make a record people actually want to buy again.

I don’t think that’s too much to ask, do you? And, it all works because this way, if 2010 just steps up to the plate, follows these simple expectations, then maybe, just maybe…on December 31, 2010, I’ll cave in and let it get a cookie on its way out.

What!? It’s what always worked for my kids!!