July 13, 2008

The third in the Letters to Lisa series of posts.

Lisa-

So, I finally called your mom. My questions of belonging continue, but I’m glad I called, if not for her, then for me. I brought up her offer of dinner out, but she hedged. Something tells me it will never happen. Your nephew comes tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll be there bossing everyone around. And really, that might be why your mom hedged. Her mind is on the new grandbaby – and that’s a good thing. That little boy will be a great healer in your family, I’m sure.

As for me? I’m still trying to figure out how to heal. I’ve started looking into going back to school. I know you always worried that my funky vomit phobia would keep me from being an effective nurse, but Jesus. You had a million health issues, most of them involving chronic pain and you did it well. I should be able to overcome one measly fear, shouldn’t I? I’m just not sure how we’d pay for the schooling. Are there 2nd degree assistance situations? Just many little, yet huge details remain. The point is, I need to find a purpose in addition to motherhood.

I really miss you today. Alex and I went and watched the sunset over the pond at Slate Run this evening. It was glorious. I imagined you in the rays. Isn’t that silly?

I even heard you laughing today. Twice. At me, of course. I don’t even need to tell you it was because I slopped part of my meal down my front, do I? It’s odd how days I ache the most from your absence are the days I actually feel more of your presence.

I need to close this now. The ache is overwhelming me tonight. I need to feel life in Alex, in his touch, in the days’ hyper-activity, in my son’s brace-laden smile.

I love you, Lisa.

I always, always will
~Heidi