The seventh in the Letters to Lisa series of posts. For new readers, Abby and Ethan are my children. Nathan is Abby’s sweetheart and an integral part of our family.
Lisa-
Wow! Two weeks since I’ve written! I’d like to say it’s because all is awesome, but honestly, I’m finding myself more debilitated. Our fridge is broken – again. Yes. Two weeks later from the last break. We have NO money and yet we have to continue to replace food, find non-perishables, or eat out a lot. I’m losing my mind.
And then, I “talk” to you and I realize how unimportant it all is. Yes, financial security has its importance, as does food, but wow. I think the major frustration is that if we weren’t so financially strapped, the inconvenience of it all wouldn’t be as major as it is. You know how I suck at money.
I still haven’t called your sister and truly need to do that. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for or what I’m going to say, but I feel like I should try to touch base.
I just need to connect to something. Someone. Somehow. I meet with my internet girls this weekend. I can’t wait, but I’m also partially dreading it. Come Monday, they’ll be gone, you’ll still be gone, and we’ll still be broke.
I fear I’m sliding into the anger phase of this grieving process. I’m growing increasingly upset at broken promises, at the lack of courteous follow-through, of people generally dismissing some else’s heartache as just someone else’s problem. Alex is annoying me. Silence from “friends” is annoying me. Actually, that one is hurting like hell. Abby will be leaving me soon with college, as will Nathan, and Ethan will be so busy with marching band that he might as well be taking off, too.
And then, of course, there’s you. No, I’m not angry at you for leaving. I’m just angry that you left. That is was time. That some of our dreams together never will come true. That no one on this earth will mean to me what you do. And, a few of those I thought would be candidates have totally dropped the ball without so much as a glance back to see how I’m faring. And yeah. I’m angry as hell about that.
I’m not enjoying the angries. They make my forehead wrinkle, my heart race and my patience shorten, which we both know didn’t have much room for shortening to begin with.
Ah, when…when will I get some relief?
~Heidi
My best friend is also diabetic. Luckily, she is not so fragile, and I pray that I don’t lose her any time soon. She is my rock and I think I might go absolutely stark raving mad if I lost her, a child, my husband, or my other best friend. I think your letters are an awesome coping mechanism and hope you never feel that they “should” stop, but keep writing them as long as you feel so compelled.
[Reply]
I pray you don’t as well. It’s something we knew would happen, but it was always a “much more time” thing. I was with her on a Monday and she was gone that Sunday.
But, yes, the letters have helped. I’m so glad I wrote them, and continue to. Not all of them make it to the blog, of course – some secrets go to the grave for a reason – but, it has been key in my healing. I won’t stop until I run out of paper…or words.
[Reply]